Have you ever been so excited for a moment you've been waiting for that when that moment gets closer, you start to freak out a bit?
It's like reality just tapped you on the shoulder to say, "Hey, how YOU doin'?" in a creepy Joey-from-Friends kinda way.
As the weeks progress, I realize I could give birth at any moment now, even though I'm just 34 weeks along.
I don't have a crib. I don't have a stroller. I don't even have a carseat.
But what's really freaking me out now is giving birth.
Actually, there are four reasons why I'm scared to give birth beyond the obvious pain that comes with the territory.
1. My vagina tearing.
I am deathly afraid of this happening. I mean, with all the pain that comes with delivering a baby, will I even feel it tearing (if it does)?
I've heard about doing Kegels religiously (which I've been doing a great job by the way) and I've heard of perennial massages, but dude... what if doing those things still cause my lady part to tear?! And if it does tear, will it tear all the way to "the other hole"???
Getting an episiotomy is right up there with tearing. Just the thought of it makes me shudder...
You might be laughing, or even a bit disgusted by now, but I'm dead serious. This whole tearing issue has got me a bit shaken up. Please let my vagina be nice to me!
2. Pooping while pushing.
Ain't gonna lie. This one probably crosses the mind of so many women that it's not news here.
Now, I'm gonna get a bit TMI here. I've been pooping a lot lately. Like, multiple times a day, every day.
Except yesterday. I didn't go at all yesterday.
But lately, I've been pooping more than I ever have in my entire life! Yes, I'm pooping for two, but DUDE... this much?!
It seriously has me wondering if 1) I'm gonna poop when I give birth, and 2) how much of the stuff is gonna come outta me!
Dear Lord, please allow me to poop before I go into labor... or at least before I can't move on my own anymore...
3. Requiring a C-Section.
From what I've read, C-Sections are usually done in emergency situations. Perhaps there are instances when it's been predetermined that a C-Section is necessary (i.e. the baby is too big to be delivered through the birth canal), but to my understanding, it's usually to save the baby and mother.
The C-Section itself doesn't scare me, but the recovery period afterwards does. It's basically a major surgery!
I'm afraid of the pain that's associated with it is (will it hurt when I sneeze or cough?). I'm afraid of being immobile for longer than I'd expect (will I be able to get out of bed to use the bathroom on my own?). I'm afraid of being so exhausted from recovering that I won't be able to care for my baby.
Yes, this may sound a bit dramatic, but I am actually afraid of dying when I give birth.
I know that there are sooooo many women who give birth at hospitals everyday and the chances of dying are so slim, but the fact that the risk is still there terrifies me!
What if I lose so much blood that I can't be brought back to life?
What if my heart stops beating because of all the pain I'm in?
What if I push so hard that my intestines leave my body???
Okay, maybe I shouldn't be so worried about dying, but I don't rule anything out. Positive thinking... positive thinking...
Those are the main reasons why I'm scared to give birth.
Thousands and thousands of women have gone through it. I feel like no book in the world can tell you what it feels like (like pushing a watermelon out? Whoa.). I just gotta discover it for myself.
Of course, it'll all be worth it in the end. This is what Aaron and I wanted and I've been preparing my body for nearly two years for this baby. But like I said, as "Labor Day" approaches, the nerves start to kick in a little as I face the reality of becoming a mother.
Are you scared of giving birth? If you're already a mom, what did you do to prepare yourself for birth?
By the way, we have a full community thread about our fears of giving birth in our Moms In Training Community. Join us today!